Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Source Of Life starts at... 7:18 PM.
+Family+What makes a family? Obviously it's love, joy and happiness. An ideal family is one that share a very special bond amongst it's members. Oh how much I long for that, but something, it's either me or them that is somehow pulling me back, like as if there's this inner devil in me who is not allowing me to be closer to my family. Somehow, I need to break myself free from this 'shackles of emotions' that I have.
It's often that we would see how family ties blossoms in TV and movies and it hurts me whenever I see them. They are showing something that I want most, and that is strong family ties and I'm not getting it. I know that there are even some that shows family conflicts which in the end brought the family together. Is that how it's supposed to be done? Argue then get along? Isn't that stupid? How would you know that after the conflict, they might forgive you? What if your feud was so bad resulting in a severed relationship? I wouldn't want that, and if it were to happen to me, I might as well grab a pen-knife and slit my wrist. I'd rather die than to go through that.
I guess that it is somehow my own fault for not making enough efforts to get closer to my parents. I admit, I do retaliate them, more frequently now actually. It's somehow the "Look!-I'm-a-young-adult-now" attitude that is causing a big rift between us. They way I feel is that I'm acting a 'lil immaturely by implying that I can take care of myself just because I'm a young adult. Yes it's true, I can think for myself and I can distinguish right from wrong. But it's also true that the fact that I'm a 'young adult' instead of an 'adult' shows that I am still young and a little wet behind the ears, thus I still need guidance from my parents. Truthfully, I don't really know how to take care of myself in unknown surroundings and my dad knows it. I can't really cook but my mom is an expert when it comes to culinary skills. I'm not the breadwinner of the family, nor am I the slave. All I know is to eat, sleep and take out the trash, in the house I mean. I'm the learning one in the family and my parents keep advising me to study hard. Sometimes I'd turn a deaf ear to them, but sometimes I do agree that academic achievements is indeed truly rewarding. They have fed me, given me shelter and definitely trying hard to give me the best care and unconditional love all these years, and I hope to reward them with my achievements in my study and life.
However, the retaliation aspect is so hard on me. It seems that I can't bring myself to stop going against them. I guess most of the time, I did not really appreciate all the things that they've done for me. I have also failed, as a son, to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings. My dad would always say that I am always the one who would make him angry every morning. I can't argue with that cos I know I am. I guess that I'm a spoilt child because as some of you know, I am the only child and some of you even say that I am a lucky kid for being able to be showered with anything I want. All to myself. I wish it is, but it's not. Financial difficulties, lack of trust and definitely lack of time inhibits me to all of those. My family has gone through a lot lately and it's already taking it's toll on everyone. My dad just got discharged from the hospital and he's been fired by his company.
F*cking assholes! How dare you fire my dad? He's sick and obviously you imbesils fail to see that, heartless freaking beings. What useless people! And my dad told us that when he asked for the ambulance, the stupid secretary told him not to play games with her. SHIT la woman! He's been nice to you and you turn your back when he really was sick! What a cheap and dumb SLUT! So much for giving care!See people,
I'm no longer the same Khairul as I was in Evergreen Secondary, Woodlands Primary and Commonwealth Kindergarten. I'm getting more and more anti-social and keep ousting myself from the real world. So please... here my plea. How can I change?
Be Saved, Shout It Out |
